TA-35

Your grandmother put Purim gelt into Bank Hapoalim in 1987. She now outperforms Citadel. She checks her portfolio between lighting Shabbat candles and guilt-tripping you about not being married yet. She does not know what a "stop loss" is. She has never needed one.

Three rabbis debated for 6 hours whether TA-35 can go down. Final halachic ruling: "It is forbidden." Rashi's commentary: "obviously." Tosafot adds: "anyone who shorts it is a schmuck." The Rambam was unavailable for comment but his portfolio is up 400%.

Peer-reviewed research confirms TA-35 is directly correlated to hummus consumption per capita. Every plate at Abu Hassan generates ₪0.003 in index value. The algorithm is hummus. It has always been hummus. The tahini is the secret sauce (literally).

TA-35 is closed on Shabbat yet still appreciates. Scientists baffled. Rabbis not surprised. "HaShem provides," says man who bought the 2008 dip and now owns half of Herzliya Pituach. He was wearing sandals with socks. He drives a 2003 Subaru. He is worth ₪40 million.

Your uncle sent 47 messages to the family group chat today. He learned TA from a guy at shul who learned it from his cousin in Ramat Gan who heard it from a taxi driver in Haifa. The chain of custody is impeccable. They have been right every time. You should have listened, Moshe.

"I'm going to short the TA-35" — last known words before a man's portfolio hit ₪6 (one Cofix iced coffee). His mother: not angry, just disappointed. (She is also angry.) (She is forwarding him an article about it.) (She is also calling his ex-girlfriend to tell her.)

American Jews coming on Birthright now receive a complimentary TA-35 share instead of a free Nefesh B'Nefesh hat. By the time they land at Ben Gurion it's already up 2%. By the time they reach the hotel in Tel Aviv it's up 5%. The bus driver is also somehow invested.

Every Israeli boy reads from the Torah at 13 and receives savings bonds from relatives. These bonds have appreciated so much that the average bar mitzvah boy is now a more successful investor than Jim Cramer. The haftarah portion for TA-35 investors? "Line Goes Up" (Yeshayahu 60:1).